No.5

Oh these hot, stale days in our tiny flat. Me and S, we're both incredibly unhappy and tired. The Velvet Underground&Nico - It Was A Pleasure Then is the song for these sunny but oh-so-sinister days. If my insides could sing, that is the song they'd be humming. I bought a bottle of gin and coke and I have to go to work in a couple of hours but oh, who cares, a shot or two doesn't make a difference. Sober-ophobic indeed.

When all the Sunday people
Where so quiet in the dark
Afraid to be better the next day

This doesn't make any sense. At this moment I am so fed up with France but I'm even more fed up with my home country, so in a way I'm stuck. It would be so easy to go back at home but it would be like giving up. And there I'd have all the same problems facing me; a job, a flat, a somebody to love. Maybe I should just switch a country, maybe I should move to London! I always wanted to go there. But then again, here liquor is so much cheaper I might as well stay. How is it possible that just a month ago I was happier than ever, smoking weed, listening to happy sunny afternoon-music, drinking every once in a while and now, NOW, I'm just as miserable as always listening to the discorded music of The VU trying to numb my feelings, training myself not to care. Not to care about what?

Well, I've always been a pessimist and I've never been in love with anyone, I was even kind of proud of it. "Look at me, I'm a cold hearted bitch, a Femme Fatale, you can't trick me in this 21st century drug, Love." I never was in love with J, but I had a crush on him, I admit. And even after two dreams where he was leaving me or was just plain indifferent I kept on hoping, why not, maybe this time it'll work. But oh no. I am ashamed that I've let something like this affect me. You have to understand, I have a certain image I show to my friends and people I meet. That is, you can always day dream as long as you know that in the end nothing's going to happen and it is just self-torture. That I'm tough and indifferent. Music is my only love and that is enough.

Last night I came home at 2.20 and I crawled next to S tired and every muscle and joint in my body hurting. I fell asleep at 5.30 when the sky had already turned a little bit white. I listened to S who was talking and spluttering in her dream and I wanted to kick her out of bed. I tried to make a little nest on the floor from her yoga-matt, some blankets and some cardigans, but it was just too uncomfortable. I wish we find a new flat quickly, I can't keep on sleeping in the same tiny bed with her.

Happier things, I finally took some very tame nude pictures to J2, he was very happy but wanted more, naughtier once s'il te plaît . I said, maybe next time haha! I wonder what would happen if I went back home and saw him again.. He does have a girlfriend though, but oh my morals are so low and I guess his too, so anything could happen. I'm not really interested in him though, he really is just a friend. Or rather, an internet fuckbuddy hihi.

I'm off to fix myself another gin-coke drink.

I can always go back to my old fuckbuddy, the 34-year-old DJ.