No.4

But I'm sick of spending these lonely nights

training myself not to care.

God how I love Interpol these days, especially the song "NYC" where the citation above is from. I'm alone at home, drinking the rest of the Gin from last night with coke and I just can't get myself together. I woke up this morning feeling tired and sore everywhere after last nights little party with J and his friends. Somehow I ended up with "HELP" written on my arm after a hard, violent struggle with the boys and un œuf cassé all over my dress. J obviously didn't want me to stay over so I left with S and a feeling that it is pretty much over. But I'm training myself not to care and it gives me satisfaction, a feeling of control. Anyways, B is coming to Paris in August and I'm sure I could have lots more fun with him if I don't have a special someone.

S started working for Starbucks today, I hope she'll like it. Her boyfriend left her on saturday night and she's kind of broken. Today is a start of a whole new life for her. We didn't get the appartement from the 5th but we have a showing tonight in the 18th, that's Montmartre. It's really too hot to move, but what can you do.

I shoul stop drinking alone. And smoking inside.

I had a dream about a storm, it was so windy that all the leaves from trees went swirling around at it rained almost horizontaly and I was back in the countryside where I was born and raised. Cops had to took everyone home one by one because it would've been too dangerous to let us go by ourselves. Dark blue, dark green, gray, black, a sinister shade of orange.

I'm oddly happy, calm. Everything is not in it's right place, not by far, but I somehow like the feeling of unperfection, I like to wallow in self-pity, haha! Well, some lipstick and sunglasses and I'm off to find us a place to live. Wish us luck, Disco Duck!

No.3

There are too many lights here in the night time.

A couple of nights ago I was walking home having just survived a completely full N11-bus with smelly hobos pressing themselves next to me and sluring some random anecdotes. I stumbled across Champs-Élysées to my home street and suddenly I noticed that in one of the back-alleys there were no lights. It was all dark, just a little shade of light coming around the corner. I wanted to snuggle up against the wall and just stay there, in the dark. Of course I didn't but it made me realize that there are too many lights in Paris.

Last night was amazing. I got out of work at 1 o'clock and since it was Friday the metro was still open and I didn't have to take the night bus. I was at home around 1.20 and S was still awake. She opened the door wearing only a red satin morning gown and said: "Hey sexy, wanna have some wine?" Then she pulled a bottle behind her back and I said: "jesus christ how I love you sometimes!" So we started drinkingdrinkingdrinking listening to 70's Disco Hits and Tubular Bells (yes it is a weird combination but it works surprisingly well!) when suddenly J sent me a message. He said he was in Paris and might I want to see him and oh his battery is almost dead. I said why not, come over but of course his battery failed so he didn't get my message so me and S finished the bottle, had a cigarette and went to sleep. We've become so good friends that she actually is like a sister to me, in good and in bad. We quarrel and sometimes get a little violent with each other but at the same time I've never laughed so hard with anyone else.

Well, I'm off to work. I have a 4h lunch shift and then in the evening a 6h dinner shift and then, finally, my weekend begins. Before I got this job I used to party practically every night with S and I guess we never spent our Fridays and Saturdays sober (or Thursdays.. I remember a few sober Wednesdays. And Tuesdays. I don't remember anything about our Mondays or Sundays so I suppose I wasn't drinking? I won't bet on that, though.). But now I'm lucky if I can have a few glasses of wine on Sunday afternoon and that's about it.
Paris made me an alcoholic. Or rather a sober-ophobic.

No.2

Let me tell you about my Paris, how I ended up here and what is really happening in this city of Love, Lust and Losers.

It's a sunny day, full of sweaty and anxious people, trying to avoid the sunny side of the street. I woke up at 10 o'clock when S came home. She said "move your ass" and crawled next to me. The next thing I remember is waking up and finding her feet in my face as she had turned upside down to get more space to sleep. I got finally out of bed at noon and then we went to have un petit pique-nique in Parc Monceau. It was rather lovely, excpet there were children everywhere, screaming, running, splashing water and annoying us otherwise, too. I would've wanted to have a glass(or two..)of wine, but S had to work in a few hours and I try my best to avoid drinking alone.

I had such a lovely dream last night about B and me. Nothing really happened in it but the mood and the colours were perfect. I read somewhere that most people's dreams are black&white. I don't know if that's true but my dreams always have colours. This dream had grayish green, grayish blue, dark green, deep brown, warm yellow lights. I was wearing my purple shirt and B had bluish hair for some reason. I love to sleep, dormir plutôt que vivre.. How melodramatic!

Sometimes I feel like Paris is isolated from the rest of the world completely. Eventhough this is probably the most touristy city in the world I still get a feeling that no one really lets anyone into their lives. That no one really even cares. Of course it's not like that but now that I think about it, I don't know anyone who has been born in Paris. Everyone of my acquaintances are born somewhere else; in the North, in the South, in the DOM-TOM, in some other country. I see myself in this little flat of ours and I can imagine huge walls between it and the rest of the Paris, and another wall around Paris, too.

What is really keeping me here is probably the possibility of easy love. Easy Love meaning that here I can find myself someone much more easily than in my even more depressing home country. And eventhough I hate to admit that I'm practically only staying here for love (I really feel kind of ashamed, it is not at all my style to gabble about "boys" and "how wonderful he-and-he is.") it is not all. There's also so much lust and passion here, something I don't want to give up either. And sure this is such a beautiful place to live, sure there're so many museums it's impossible to go through them all, and sure the language is pretty and the culture amazing, but come on people.

Got to go to work tonight, 6 hours of running around sweating like a pig, no time for a single break and then walking home in 2 o'clock. It's somehow purifying, though. You should try it sometimes.

No.1

Nobody told me Paris could be depressing. That it could be a cold, gray, unfriendly, even boring place.

I have been feeling so weird lately. I feel like I should do something very important but I just can't put my finger on it. Maybe I should start looking for a new job? It's too early for that, though. I have already done all I can to find a new appartement and I should be getting a phone call tomorrow from one of the agents. Maybe I should clean up this flat? I want to do it with my room mate though. Take the trashes out? Finish my book? Do the dishes?

Me and my roomie, we have been looking for this flat in the 5th arrondissement. It's a two-room appartement, very small but beautiful, 870 euros/month. The agent told us he'd call us today or tomorrow if we got it or not and this waiting is just killing me. It really is a lovely, lovely little flat, with a weird tiny shower in the kitchen and huge mirrors in the bedroom. The location is perfect, only a couple of metro stations away from our jobs and not too many tourist attractions. I lived around there before and I can tell you that the 5th is one of my favourite areas in Paris. It's calm, lots of families in there. Although I don't really like kids, in fact I absolutely loath them but the Jardin Des Plantes is very nice for a Sunday stroll and Rue Mouffetard is the perfect place to go out, in fact, every night.

I'm feeling so lonely right now, J doesn't seem to have lots of interest in me after all, eventhough the last time we saw was pretty magnificent. I was talking to B and he seemed more excited about me than J ever, eventhough B lives in a (not so) far-away country for god's sake! Also J2 keeps sexualy harrassing me in MSN, demanding naked pictures and all that. I can't decide if I like it or not.. Well, he lives even further away than B, so it's pretty much only an amusing game which gives him wet dreams and more self-esteem for me. My roomie, who is actually my best friend too, went over to her boyfriend and left me here with a pack of pasta and some ketchup. Party time, don't you think?

I'm hoping tomorrow will be as warm as today